The Invisible Red Thread or Two degrees of separation..........

"An invisible red thread connects those destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstances. The thread may stretch or tangle, but never break."  -Ancient Chinese Proverb

Each time I move to a new place life starts as if on a blank slate, a fresh canvas. Some places there are relatives, distant cousins, who provide the vital crutch that is required in these situations. After all it is only family that will rally when circumstances are dire.  In some cities like Tokyo one does not have that advantage; over there one relies on distant friends of friends! Some people don't need the feeling of belonging to a place or community, they are content in themselves; but I am not one of those. Having grown up constantly surrounded by family and having spent much of my childhood in residential colonies, I feel comfortable when I establish a network of friends that I can rely on. 

In most places now I have noticed something very interesting.....the phenomenon of six degrees of separation, or in some cases 2 degrees. This came sharply into focus upon my move here to Maryland. It turned out that my neighbor here and I were living on the same street in Colaba in Mumbai; another newly made friend grew up in a building right behind mine in Worli and we could actually wave to each other last summer when we both were visiting and best of all, my Junior College bench-buddy lives 5 minutes away from me here! If that was not enough, I went to a dinner party and met complete strangers and within minutes found several close connections with many of them. A million different connections with people I didn't know existed! In Manila I experienced something similar even if on a smaller scale. In London and New York the experience was identical. It is just uncanny the way these links come up. Some might very well say that while it is true that there are a billion Indians, the opportunity space exists in only certain cities, certain schools and colleges. So essentially one is interacting with people who lead analogous lives to us and hence all the connections. 

But I would rather believe in the Chinese proverb that an invisible red thread connects those destined to meet ............ I find something magical and mystical in the connections that I make in new cities, it makes me feel that the unfailing hand of my karma guides me to these destinations. 

Angkor Wat: The Kingdom of Dreams

Our family embarked on a much-awaited trip to Cambodia in 2011 over the “holy week” holidays in the Philippines where we then resided.  As soon as we landed at the Siem Reap international airport and were greeted with hands folded in Namaste by everyone including the customs officer, we knew that a magical trip was about to begin.  Going into our hotel, we were stunned to see a brass mural depicting the Sagar Manthan, churning of the sea, with the Devas on one side, Asuras on the other, Indra in the centre and Vishnu in the avatar of Kuruma at the bottom. The lasting image of this country, Cambodia, 2000 miles away from India is the frequent depiction of this ancient tale of the churning of the ocean almost wherever you go.

It was my desire to visit Angkor ever since I was aware that such a place exists; an ancient Hindu kingdom in a far flung corner of Asia. The idea was fascinating and the monuments lived up to every bit of charm and magic that I imagined. The Angkor Empire existed for 600 years from AD 800 to AD 1432, only to be mysteriously abandoned and then accidently rediscovered 400 years later by a French naturalist in 1860. 

The most impressive of all is Angkor Wat which means city temple. It is the world’s largest monument built by King Suryavarman II in the early 12^th century. Surrounded by a 4 mile long moat, it is considered to be an unparalleled engineering feat in the pre-industrialized world. Flanked by nagas and lions, stand the 5 towers representing the complete microcosm of the Hindu religion, Mount Meru and its surroundings. In one of the side entrances we had the opportunity to pay obeisance to a gigantic statue of Vishnu with 6 arms and a beard! There it stood 20 feet tall glancing impassively at the millions of visitors over many centuries. 

Such beauty, such grandeur all came to an abrupt end in the 15^th century. What transpired?  The king wanted the holy Ganga to flow through his kingdom. So at the source of the river he constructed a thousand Shivalingas to bless the water as it flowed down into the city. The people of Angkor Wat developed a most sophisticated irrigation and water management system. The entire river was diverted through various canals into huge reservoirs, two measuring 16 square kms, dug by hand.  Plenty of water, blessed by the Gods, to irrigate the rice fields and make the land fertile and therefore plenty of food supply to support a vast army and to feed a population of about a million people. 

However, over 600 years, the people became victims of their own genius. The water in the canals that ran through the city, bore into the ground, making the levels drop wreaking havoc with the food supply. The Siams (Thai) were always waiting for opportunities to attack. Gradually the territory started getting chipped away, the kingdom began to shrink. 

Third Culture Kids

Third culture kids are those that have spent their formative years in a culture that is other than that of their parents. Many of us in the expat community have kids that fall in this category. My kids definitely are third culture kids or TCKs. Both of them either through birth or through residence, lived in countries other than India in their formative years. This has left our family with a mixed bag of experiences; some very happy moments and memories and some a bit painful and difficult. Relocating to a new country, new continent, new neighborhood and new school every three or four years is extremely challenging. Saying goodbye to friends, classmates, building doormen and neighborhood grocers etc is heart wrenching each time. Relocating after all is the third most challenging situation in life after death and divorce!

At the same time saying hello to a whole new world is equally thrilling and exciting for everyone in the family. To those who have never moved it appears to be impossible to imagine, this constant uprooting and replanting. My boss, Professor S at Adelphi University would say to me often, how do you do it Padmini?! Having lived on Long Island his entire life, it was incomprehensible. Some relatives and friends in Mumbai would look at me puzzled, trying to figure out if there was some problem in our lives  which made us move every few years!

But my kids, the TCKs, are such a beautiful blend of British, Japanese, American and Philippino cultures and yet are essentially Indian. They are at home whether in Mumbai or New York;  feel equally comfortable in rikshas or underground trains and find shopping in street markets as exciting as shopping on fifth avenue, love eating sushi, panipuri and shepherd's pie!

When they are much older they will look back at their unique childhood and rejoice in the fact that they are truly global citizens. Until then we just march on, welcoming new friends into our lives and overcoming the tragedy of growing distant from the friends we made in our last port of call.

Diwali 2013

After many years our family celebrated Diwali together in our own home in MD. The past few years, either our daughter was unable to join us from college or we were not physically present at home or for other reasons. This year I decided to celebrate Diwali traditionally and to explain all the rituals and their significance to my daughters. Strangely enough, I got a great explanation of Laxmi puja from the official website of the government of Trinidad and Tobago! While we were engaged in the rituals I asked my older daughter whether she will follow the customs and celebrate Diwali with her own future family. I was very heartened to hear her reply that yes of course she will.  Despite rapid Westernization it is wonderful to see the younger generation still interested in dressing up in the Indian style; sarees, ghagras, elaborate jewelry etc. Our culture and traditions are safe going forward.

I am afraid that also means that some negative aspects of our rich culture will also not change easily. Attitudes towards women are regressing in our society. What has changed between the time I was growing up and current times? Mind sets were the same even then, but people would be fearful of the consequences of their actions. That fear seems to have disappeared now. Predators and pedophiles existed even then but such frequent occurrence of gang rape in urban areas I think is a recent phenomenon. My belief is that there is a corruption of the mind that has set in in India. This cuts across all strata of society; it permeates all classes, genders and age groups. The current state of our country is merely a reflection of this reality.

Book Club in Manila

When one moves to a new place, one has to spend a lot of time networking. Making new friends for yourself, your children if they are young and for your family. I have found that once the friends network is established, life becomes much simpler.The adjustment problems that children typically face upon relocation can be easily diluted if there are close family friends with kids of similar ages. It is up to Mom to make sure that strong bonds are formed in a relatively short period of time. Fortunately, wherever we move today there is a large Indian community to lend us it's support.

I found an interesting way in which to bond with like minded people fairly quickly. This is through establishing a book club. Many ladies are very attracted to the idea of a book group, it is a good way to meet with other women but with some purpose. It is a place to read and discuss interesting books and to exchange ideas. I first joined a book group when I lived in New York. It was a wonderful way to meet and bond with other women in New York City. It became an incredible support group over the years.

In Manila a few of us new expats started the group with a handful of ladies and then it sort of expanded by word of mouth. The aim was to make the group as diverse as possible. This is a lot of hard work! We invite people from different backgrounds, professions, nationalities. This is the only way to ensure some genuine exchange of ideas, otherwise we would have everyone repeating the same set of ideas and prejudices.

So far we have read books such as The Elegance of the Hedgehog, Illustrado, Freedom, and Love in the Time of Cholera. American writers, Philippino writers, South American writers and so on.
Each time we meet at each other's homes. A sumptuous spread is laid out. Although we have tried very hard to keep the meal simple, the host usually focuses on serving very delicious food made with lot of effort.

The book club has been an unbridled success. There are a lot of members and there is a long waiting list for our Manila book club! 

Joy Luck Club

When I was a new arrival in Manila, a few of the people that I met, expressed the rather dampening view that Manila had not much to offer by way of entertainment and things to do. But with the passage of time I discovered that there were many things to do, places to visit and people to meet.

One entertaining evening was spent while watching the play Joy Luck  Club in the company of a bit of a Joy Luck club itself! Amy Tan's collection of short stories, The Joy Luck Club was beautifully bound together in the stage show by the Philippines repertory theatre. I have seen a play there once before, an adaptation of Little Women which was excellent in itself. Many of the actors from that play were also present in this one. Joy Luck Club is based on the stories of Chinese immigrants who came to live in the US after the Japanese started bombing China. Many of them arrived with nothing, unable even to speak the language. They built their lives from scratch, worked hard to give their children a better life and tried to uphold the traditions of their own country. As is inevitable in this situation there builds up a big gap between first generation immigrants and their children. Joy Luck club is an informal group that is established amongst friends and continued in San Francisco.

We ourselves had a bit of the Joy Luck club in Manila. We had all washed up on the shores of the NAIA "international" airport and although we were not refugees but we did land up in a place where we had no connections, no shared history, nothing. I am referring to the expat population there. But soon we built up a life. Jobs, book clubs, Diwali celebrations, karaoke groups, lifelong friendships and a few disagreements too. We got engaged and entangled in our respective social groups; felt happy to be included and sad to be left out. Within the two years that I was there me and my family built up a whole lifetime of memories. 

103 Shivajinagar, Nagpur

103, Shivajinagar;

That is the address of what used to be my grandfather's home in Nagpur. Every summer and Diwali vacation was spent in the loving environs of that house. I thought that it would be good to write down my memories of that house. If you stood in front of it you would see a small gate and a big gate for cars to enter and exit and very convenient to swing on. As you entered the small side gate with its unique grill made of a whole lot of a pattern very much like the letter U, all painted in black and sky blue, you came into a front yard. On the left was a small garden. This was fenced in with a grill, about waist high, with bars painted black and sky blue as well. In this garden you would find every conceivable variety of flowers. Starting with roses, kanheri, bougainvillea, shevanti, sadafuli, hibiscus, jai, shevanti, madhumalati and at the far end mogra. Mogra (jasmine), the kind that is hard to get now, thick with multiple layers of petals and extremely fragrant.

All these flowers and vines were planted around a lawn. At the far end was the little pond in which we learnt how to swim, and which at some later point in time had frogs and lotus in it. On the right of the pond as you went to the side of the house in order to make your way to the back of the house, there were various fruit trees planted.

There were pomegranate and three orange trees. These never bore fruit in the entire time that I remember. As you made your way behind the house, you could see banana trees, a mango tree, 2 guava trees with different varieties of guava. The guava trees were very climber friendly and therefore great fun. In addition, they bore the most delicious guavas. As you reached the backyard of the house you would see a big lime tree, hanging low , filled with green limes. There were vegetable beds and there was a drumstick tree. We had neem trees, yellow bell flowers , parijatak tree and many Ashoka trees. In the back aangan was a tulsi vrundavan. Around this was where the Diwali fort was built with miniature plastic players acting as the soldiers.

If the grounds were bursting with fruit and flowers, it was only a reflection of the extremely vibrant atmosphere inside. A true picture of a hara bhara parivaar. My grandparents at the helm, my parents, uncles and aunts, us 8 cousins and Pandit the cook and maids.

The house itself was 2 levels, a veranda at the ground level and a balcony at the top. A big terrace at the back of the house on the upper level. Every summer my grandfather would set out the folding iron beds in the front lawn and we would sleep there. One of the distinct memories that I love to go over and over again is waking up to the fragrance of mogra right beside my cot. I remember rolling out mattresses in the terrace and sleeping there only to have to run in when it started drizzling. The old record player and the most amazing collection of records. The freedom to do just as we pleased.

Madhumalati

I visit that house many many times in my dreams and thoughts. I find it very difficult to reconcile to the fact that it doesn't exist anymore. My grandfather passed away and a few years later so did my grandmother. The house had be leveled to make way for multistorey apartments keeping with the current trends. But for me it's a place that exists in a very physical way inside my mind.