Giving Thanks........the American way!

When I lived in London, I knew that the traditional Christmas Day meal consisted of turkey, mashed potatoes, green beans and cranberry sauce among others. When I moved to New York I learnt that the same meal was served during a big American celebration  called Thanksgiving.

I remember being very confused at the time as I had never heard of this particular holiday before. Added to the meal is squash (pumpkin) in various forms, as in pumpkin pies, mashed pumpkin, baked pumpkin etc. Sweet potato, brussel sprouts, zucchini, corn, the table is usually groaning under the weight of it all. The displays around most houses upon the onset of fall feature pumpkins to a great extent. It's a four day break where families  and friends get together and celebrate their togetherness and express gratitude about the various gifts that life has granted all of us. It could be good friendships, loving family, food on the table and so on. 

First Thanksgiving in 1621 Plymouth, Massachusetts.

The original thanksgiving celebration occurred when the pilgrims; the early immigrants to America expressed their gratitude by offering a meal which largely featured turkey to the native Americans who had welcomed them and taught them farming techniques. So Thanksgiving is a harvest festival. The usual greeting is Happy Thanksgiving! 

Be careful though before saying it! I know of that greeting being rejected with "I don't support genocide!" Some native Americans celebrate an "unthanksgiving" day where they pray, fast and remember their dead ancestors.  Thanksgiving for some represents the conquest of the Native Americans by the colonizers. 

I have celebrated thanksgiving with my family and have enjoyed the whole experience tremendously. Although I cannot eat turkey, being vegetarian, I can eat tofurkey! I love all the vegetables and especially when they are cooked with an Indian twist. 

I am truly grateful for the many friends I have made over my various relocations. Without my friends my life would have been extremely challenging. New country, new city, what do I have to go on? Conversations with the friends I left behind until I make new ones. The ability to speak to someone when you are very new in your newly adopted city is a huge lifeline! I am grateful for my wonderful family that spreads its numerous loving branches across the globe and engulfs me in its warm, loving embrace, whether in person or through What's app or Facebook. Thanksgiving, it's a good time to pause and reflect on one's blessings. Happy Thanksgiving! 

Stability vs Change

Last weekend we had the pleasure of attending a wonderful Kathak dance performance presented by a young and exceptionally talented high school graduate here in Virginia. As we watched her dance, we could only wonder about what it takes to raise a child so well integrated between two cultures, Indian and American. That a child can play soccer and score straight As, get admitted to one of the top colleges and yet excel at this traditional Indian dance form made us marvel at the successful upbringing. Great credit to the parents and to the parenting style that produces such a confident young artiste. In the past we had noticed that children from the minority communities would prefer to associate with the American culture or the dominant culture rather than with the culture of origin. Here we have observed a reversal and a nice balance between past and present.

So I paused to examine some other factors that have to equally be given their due merit in this end result. There is a well established Indian community here in the DMV area, many speaking the same native language, celebrating the same festivals and composed of people who have migrated approximately at the same time. All strangers who came together 20-30 years ago to form a unique community that worked hard to recreate a cultural context for themselves and their children.

Being a wondrously mobile family ourselves, we often stop to think about the alternate life; sort of 'the road not taken' or if anyone has seen the excellent movie 'Sliding Doors'; what if Gwyneth Paltrow had not boarded the train? What if we had stayed stable in one spot for many years and made it our home as an alternative to our 6 international moves averaging 2-3 years per relocation? Clearly there are advantages and disadvantages..........as perfectly encapsulated in a conversation between my daughter and her cousin a few years ago. My daughter was sighing over the fact that her cousin got to stay in a suburb of Philadelphia, in the same school all through Middle and High School years whereas my niece complained to her parents "why do they get to live in all the exciting places?"! It's only human nature that we often 'pine for what is not'. I have heard similar remarks from other kids who find relocation exciting. As a family we gained a lot; a unique perspective, a bird's eye view, a degree of objectivity which can only be obtained when we remove ourselves and look in from the outside. We had the most thrilling adventures as we traveled from place to place, lived amongst and interacted with locals. We thoroughly enjoyed every aspect of our lives from British teacups to Japanese sayonaras.......

If we did miss out on something it was building up of or nurturing unique talents, other than academics. And we missed the feeling of rootedness. There are many who manage all this too and hats off to them because I know how difficult it is.  Finding the right doctors, dentists, and teachers takes time. Creating a bond with the teacher takes even longer. To then emerge as an advanced talent under the circumstances would be a great achievement.
As migrant communities we must strive to achieve this end result of beautifully balanced children that are culturally adaptable, adept at relationships and well integrated. 

Families in Global Transition

A couple of weeks ago I attended a very interesting conference called Families in Global Transit (FIGT). For the first time ever I felt that I belonged here with these people who had had the same life experiences as me. It is said that the three most traumatic events in life are death, divorce and relocation. But here I was in a large gathering of people who made me sound like a rookie having moved ‘only’ 6 times.

 The program was wonderful, designed in the form of presentations, discussions, and kitchen table conversations. Sessions ranged from discussing the trailing spouse , third culture kids (TCKs), ‘good goodbyes’, and a whole bunch of other relevant topics. I learnt that the trailing spouse is redefined! Ladies, we are now the ‘enabling spouses’, making this life which is full of transitions viable and successful for our entire families.

I met a young woman who has started an organization called Sea Change http://seachangementoring.com/. Ellen Mahoney studied in the same school (ISSH) in Tokyo as my daughter. She explained that having grown up in Tokyo, it was tough for her to adjust to college life in the US her country of origin, and she found that her other expat friends from Tokyo were similarly struggling in other parts of the world. After facing many challenges over several years, Ellen was able to redirect her energies into something positive; a program to mentor children in transit. I though that this was a wonderful concept and could do a world of good for TCKs. There was a session on the ‘beloved stranger’, nannies and drivers who become an integral part of our lives when we live in certain countries. Thanks to Facebook and email we can stay in touch with some of them. A common sight in many schools is kids of some ethnicities congregating together at the lunch tables. What explains this phenomenon? In her presentation Danau Tanu explained intercultural dynamics of self segregation and socialization patterns at international schools. Most interesting for me was the potential of global leadership among adult third culture kids.

It was a stimulating experience for me, a window to a whole different world, a feeling of belonging and not isolation. I met many interesting people who had traveled from across the globe to attend this conference.

Two high-school counselors who had traveled from Beijing international school summed it best when they displayed the goodbye kit that they give to departing students. The kit contains among other items, a rubber-band to represent the ability to be elastic in a new place, a band-aid strip to cover up any hurts, an eraser to rub out any mistakes made as a new comer and a balloon to represent enjoyment in a new place.  Look hard enough and you will realize that there many others like yourself, just look in the right places.

Close Encounters Of the Deer Kind.............

The Invisible Red Thread or Two degrees of separation..........

"An invisible red thread connects those destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstances. The thread may stretch or tangle, but never break."  -Ancient Chinese Proverb

Each time I move to a new place life starts as if on a blank slate, a fresh canvas. Some places there are relatives, distant cousins, who provide the vital crutch that is required in these situations. After all it is only family that will rally when circumstances are dire.  In some cities like Tokyo one does not have that advantage; over there one relies on distant friends of friends! Some people don't need the feeling of belonging to a place or community, they are content in themselves; but I am not one of those. Having grown up constantly surrounded by family and having spent much of my childhood in residential colonies, I feel comfortable when I establish a network of friends that I can rely on. 

In most places now I have noticed something very interesting.....the phenomenon of six degrees of separation, or in some cases 2 degrees. This came sharply into focus upon my move here to Maryland. It turned out that my neighbor here and I were living on the same street in Colaba in Mumbai; another newly made friend grew up in a building right behind mine in Worli and we could actually wave to each other last summer when we both were visiting and best of all, my Junior College bench-buddy lives 5 minutes away from me here! If that was not enough, I went to a dinner party and met complete strangers and within minutes found several close connections with many of them. A million different connections with people I didn't know existed! In Manila I experienced something similar even if on a smaller scale. In London and New York the experience was identical. It is just uncanny the way these links come up. Some might very well say that while it is true that there are a billion Indians, the opportunity space exists in only certain cities, certain schools and colleges. So essentially one is interacting with people who lead analogous lives to us and hence all the connections. 

But I would rather believe in the Chinese proverb that an invisible red thread connects those destined to meet ............ I find something magical and mystical in the connections that I make in new cities, it makes me feel that the unfailing hand of my karma guides me to these destinations. 

Angkor Wat: The Kingdom of Dreams

Our family embarked on a much-awaited trip to Cambodia in 2011 over the “holy week” holidays in the Philippines where we then resided.  As soon as we landed at the Siem Reap international airport and were greeted with hands folded in Namaste by everyone including the customs officer, we knew that a magical trip was about to begin.  Going into our hotel, we were stunned to see a brass mural depicting the Sagar Manthan, churning of the sea, with the Devas on one side, Asuras on the other, Indra in the centre and Vishnu in the avatar of Kuruma at the bottom. The lasting image of this country, Cambodia, 2000 miles away from India is the frequent depiction of this ancient tale of the churning of the ocean almost wherever you go.

It was my desire to visit Angkor ever since I was aware that such a place exists; an ancient Hindu kingdom in a far flung corner of Asia. The idea was fascinating and the monuments lived up to every bit of charm and magic that I imagined. The Angkor Empire existed for 600 years from AD 800 to AD 1432, only to be mysteriously abandoned and then accidently rediscovered 400 years later by a French naturalist in 1860. 

The most impressive of all is Angkor Wat which means city temple. It is the world’s largest monument built by King Suryavarman II in the early 12^th century. Surrounded by a 4 mile long moat, it is considered to be an unparalleled engineering feat in the pre-industrialized world. Flanked by nagas and lions, stand the 5 towers representing the complete microcosm of the Hindu religion, Mount Meru and its surroundings. In one of the side entrances we had the opportunity to pay obeisance to a gigantic statue of Vishnu with 6 arms and a beard! There it stood 20 feet tall glancing impassively at the millions of visitors over many centuries. 

Such beauty, such grandeur all came to an abrupt end in the 15^th century. What transpired?  The king wanted the holy Ganga to flow through his kingdom. So at the source of the river he constructed a thousand Shivalingas to bless the water as it flowed down into the city. The people of Angkor Wat developed a most sophisticated irrigation and water management system. The entire river was diverted through various canals into huge reservoirs, two measuring 16 square kms, dug by hand.  Plenty of water, blessed by the Gods, to irrigate the rice fields and make the land fertile and therefore plenty of food supply to support a vast army and to feed a population of about a million people. 

However, over 600 years, the people became victims of their own genius. The water in the canals that ran through the city, bore into the ground, making the levels drop wreaking havoc with the food supply. The Siams (Thai) were always waiting for opportunities to attack. Gradually the territory started getting chipped away, the kingdom began to shrink. 

Third Culture Kids

Third culture kids are those that have spent their formative years in a culture that is other than that of their parents. Many of us in the expat community have kids that fall in this category. My kids definitely are third culture kids or TCKs. Both of them either through birth or through residence, lived in countries other than India in their formative years. This has left our family with a mixed bag of experiences; some very happy moments and memories and some a bit painful and difficult. Relocating to a new country, new continent, new neighborhood and new school every three or four years is extremely challenging. Saying goodbye to friends, classmates, building doormen and neighborhood grocers etc is heart wrenching each time. Relocating after all is the third most challenging situation in life after death and divorce!

At the same time saying hello to a whole new world is equally thrilling and exciting for everyone in the family. To those who have never moved it appears to be impossible to imagine, this constant uprooting and replanting. My boss, Professor S at Adelphi University would say to me often, how do you do it Padmini?! Having lived on Long Island his entire life, it was incomprehensible. Some relatives and friends in Mumbai would look at me puzzled, trying to figure out if there was some problem in our lives  which made us move every few years!

But my kids, the TCKs, are such a beautiful blend of British, Japanese, American and Philippino cultures and yet are essentially Indian. They are at home whether in Mumbai or New York;  feel equally comfortable in rikshas or underground trains and find shopping in street markets as exciting as shopping on fifth avenue, love eating sushi, panipuri and shepherd's pie!

When they are much older they will look back at their unique childhood and rejoice in the fact that they are truly global citizens. Until then we just march on, welcoming new friends into our lives and overcoming the tragedy of growing distant from the friends we made in our last port of call.